in/out side(r)

gifts are free.

untaxed, often delivered.

a performance costs

only our very survival

A week ago I was dreaming of belonging, reunions, gifts but also pressure to perform, surveillance, (fight for) agency.

😶😶‍🌫️🙈🦭Kinship, connection related to hierarchy and “others” and assuming how people will react.

🎭🛒🥽🩻Specifically, there was a knowledge of contamination, being stuck, and all in a “place of acquiring”, stealing knowledge.

🪅🪀⛓️Lots of driving, who is in control of what is moving forward.

Okay, how to thread these together?

Getting instruction on “how people are supposed to act” here in South Korea is such a troubling concept since there are subcultures here, many people are modernizing to a Western way of being. So, then I think of “well, I’m a Westerner” except I’m really trying to subvert that as well. And I’m not typical of our average culture either. So, the critique comes from every direction. and the fog persists. Yet, I feel embodied certainty that I’m part of this. I’m part of them.

This idea of being an “outsider” is something often grappled with in our literature when we consider research ethics, methodology, and position. It’s not something to be solved, though. Even the idea of being an/other should be questioned. I’ve noticed the gifts I’m given here are free, and also I feel unease since I don’t know what people need or want. I’ve been giving unhelpful or unwelcome items. But, that’s a process of learning too. Knowing what people like. So, prioritizing gifts is much harder here, where I don’t understand, everything indeed takes 3-4x as long as I’m accustomed to.

The contamination, the stuckness, it’s interesting. What’s the vector? What’s the ailment? Who’s infecting whom? I think especially having this be in a big box store setting that is not fully constructed (in my dream) it is an obvious material projection of capitalism. I am using capital to acquire knowledge. Is it stealing if it’s gifted? If I can’t return gifts well/adequately?

This is the ultimate reflection on being out of touch, I guess. The question of who is driving, deciding, losing control of the brakes, not having a grasp of how I’m moving, where I’m going, or the “plan” is apparently viscerally terrifying.

The door to the 명동 Cathedral. Surely a hierarchical power dynamic that can illustrate the dynamics I’m musing on…